Economy Likely to Fail

NORTH AMERICA - (Nutbar Alley)  The economy today announced that, after many nights of binge drinking and forgetting to study for a mid-term, it was likely to lose all of it's scholarships, be forced to find a part-time job, move out of its luxury apartment, get a roommate and leave Harvard University in favour of community college if it was to ever earn it's economics degree.

The economy also is expected to enter into a rehabilitation program at the prestigious Betty Ford clinic.

"It is unfortunate that we have lost such a high profile student," said Nitin Nohria, Dean of Harvard Business School,  "but we need to have clear standards at this university, and the behaviour of the economy over the past few years has been nothing short of atrocious!"

Friends of the economy, speaking under the assurance of anonymity tell a tale of abuse of securities, subprime mortgages, stocks, bonds and derivatives.  They describe him as "out of control" and "addicted to compounding."

The economy may still face charges in Nevada where the district attorney of Jackson County alleges that he violated prostitution laws by shamelessly short selling in a public area.

A spokesman for the economy said that he was anxious to put the past few years behind him and to get on with conservative growth.

"The economy recognizes that he has plenty to answer for."  He said in a prepared statement.  "He regrets his eight year relationship with George W Bush and the damage that they have caused for so many people.  He was hopeful that his new relationship with Barak Obama would help mend some of the damage, but he now recognizes that only he can solve his problems.  Obama simply isn't the kind of healer the economy needs.  What he needs now is understanding and time to recover away from all the negative influences he has been exposed to in the last decade."

The economy now feels that following his treatment at the Betty Ford Clinic he may leave the United States entirely and move to China or India where economies are treated with greater dignity and respect.

One Tenth of US Military Rendered Mute

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (Nutbar Alley) – US Military doctors have been overwhelmed by a flood of service men and women who have reported to them unable to speak.  In all, nearly a tenth of the military is affected, which leaves the entire country woefully unprotected and overseas troops in extreme danger. 

It is feared that in Afghanistan, the Taliban could attack at any time in the hope that they can take advantage of the sudden weakness.

The plague follows on the heels of a Defense Department memo which warns gay troops to "stay silent" even though the “don’t ask don’t tell” law has been suspended by a California court.

“Soldiers who are unable to communicate pose a grave risk to our military security.” Explained Dr. Nellie of the Veterans Hospital in Norfolk Virginia.  “Communication is key to military operations, and soldiers who can’t speak are probably even more of a danger than soldiers who are openly homosexual.”

Because the order comes from the top military brass, gay soldiers have no option but to obey the order to remain silent.  Under Article 92 of US Military Law the punishment for disobeying the order of a superior can result in dishonoarable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances and confinement for up to 2 years.

All branches of the military have reported cases of mute soldiers since the order was made, with the Navy being the branch most effected.  In the submarine corps there are numerous boats which have been reported to be long and slim and full of silent seamen.

Bin Laden Birthers Assert He’s Not Even Muslim.

SAUDI ARABIA (Nutbar Alley) – A mass rally in Riyadh today featured speakers from popular media speaking on two main themes:  That Osama Bin Laden was born in Canada, not in Saudi Arabia and that he is claiming to be Muslim to bolster his popularity when he is actually Christian.

The rally was organized by popular Saudi talk show host Rush Al-Limbadin for the purpose of “outing” the popular radical leader of the Al Qaida terrorist organization.  Despite an original birth certificate being presented to the organization FactCheck.sa and a statement from Chiyome Bin Fukinodin, the Saudi Director of Health, Al-Limbadin pressed ahead with his assertion that any birth certificate showing Bin Ladin to be a Saudi citizen was faked in Photoshop.

“Bin Ladin’s birth father was actually from Toronto Canada.” Insisted Al-Limbadin while waving a Canadian birth certificate released by Tabuk dentist Orly Bin-Taitz. “He was schooled in a Catholic school in Montreal and speaks fluent French Canadian.”

The Canadian birth certificate has been proven to be a fake by experts, but Bin Laden birthers continue to claim it is a real document despite all evidence to the contrary.

The crowd was largely comprised of Al-Limbadin listeners.  Some held signs showing Osama Bin Laden with a Hitler Moustache and a slogan asking, “Is this YOUR terrorist?”  Many in Saudi Arabia despise Bin Ladin for his attacks on the United States but he still enjoys a great deal of personal support, which the birthers seek to erode by any means including misinformation and outright lies.

Another noted speaker was Sean Sa’Hannity of the Jackal News Network, a right wing television station that has championed anti-Obama causes in the past without regard to facts.

“We all know Bin Laden is a Christian,” Sa Hannity shouted to the crowd. “When he swore his oath to global Jihad he had his hand on a Bible, not a Qur’an!”

Bin Laden has previously been asked about this claim, and in an interview with Al Jazeera television was quoted as saying, "the facts are: I am a Muslim. I have been sworn in [to the leadership of Al Qaida] with a Qur’an." He then said "in the Internet age, there are going to be lies that are spread all over the place. I have been victimized by these lies."

The rally was followed by a meeting of the Flat Earth Society and later by a witch hunt with most attendees staying for all three events.

Indian Helium Balloon Shatters Record

NEW DELHI INDIA (Nutbar Alley) – At the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Commonwealth Games India revealed the Aerostat, the world’s largest helium filled balloon.  It will be used to provide lighting effects during the opening and closing ceremonies and will also have cameras mounted on it to provide a 360-degree viewing experience.

The balloon shatters the world record for a bloated gas bag which up until recently was held by American radio host Rush Limbaugh.