Keeping Hookers Outdoors is a Form of Harm Reduction

ONTARIO CANADA (Nutbar Alley) – The Canadian government announced today that it will appeal an Ontario Superior Court of Justice ruling which found laws banning pimping, soliciting and brothels to be unconstitutional.

Under Canadian law prostitution is not illegal, but parliament has effectively outlawed the ability for prostitutes to work in a comparatively safe environment.  As a result they ply their wares on seedy street corners and are frequent victims of violence.  In a 131 page ruling, Judge Susan Himel said that the laws violated the constitutional guarantee for “the right to life, liberty and security”.

“These laws… force prostitutes to choose between their liberty, interest and their right to security of the person,” she said.

The case was brought forward by three prostitutes who wanted the right to organize a brothel where they could work in relative safety.  One told the court that as a street prostitute she had been beaten and raped many times.  She described the victory “like emancipation day for sex trade workers,” and expressed her hopes to work as a dominatrix. 

The Conservative government shortly afterwards announced their intention to appeal the decision.

“Anyone that believes that women involved in the sex trade are not victims is very mistaken,” a spokesman for the Justice Minister announced. 

The Justice Minister himself announced that the government would “fight to ensure that the criminal law continues to address the significant harms that flow from prostitution.”

The Minister’s harm reduction strategy revolves around the theory that prostitutes standing on street corners in the wind, rain and snow, blowing seedy characters in cars and behind dumpsters is less harmful than those operating inside in a comfortable room with security personal standing by to defend them against physical attacks.

It is the cornerstone of a number of new harm reduction strategies expected to come from the Justice Ministry in the next few months.

Other harm reduction measures include legislating full legalization of handguns, but prohibitions against the use of secure storage cabinets.  The hope being that the inevitable accidents will lead to a greater wariness of firearms.  They will also announce legalization of hard drugs but ban all rehabilitation clinics so that people will have a greater understanding of the dangers of hard drugs.

“The best harm reduction strategies,” said a spokesman, “are those that make the harm stand out in stark relief.  Without our cautionary tales, how likely is it that people will use caution?”

Pope Beatifies British Cardinal Who Converted

GREAT BRITAIN (Nutbar Alley) – Pope Benedict XVI held the first ever beatification ceremony to be held on British soil today, celebrating John Henry Newman, a 19^th century cardinal who converted from Anglicanism to Catholicism.

Beatification is recognition of a dead person’s ascension to Heaven, and allows that person to intercede on behalf of individuals who pray in his name.  It is the third of four steps in the canonization process, the path to sainthood.

In order to complete this process, Newman must also be found to have performed two miracles.  He is already credited with one, an inexplicable healing of Jack Sullivan, an American who was healed of a severe spinal condition through Newman’s prayers.

If awarded a sainthood, Newman would become the patron saint of conversions.  This has caused some outrage in religious circles but is a move welcomed by many people including researchers and tourists who have to deal with currency or the United States.

“Currency conversion is an ongoing problem,” Explains Ibrahim Musgrove of Barclay’s Bank in London. “Every day there are thousands of currency conversion transactions for businesses and tourists throughout the world.  In all likelihood if Newman is sainted, it will result in a mass hiring of Catholics who can pray we got the numbers right.”

The move was also welcomed by Catholics in the United States, one of the few countries in the world which has refused to abandon the old British Imperial Unit system in favour of the Metric system. 

Contacted at his Archdiocese in Washington DC Cardinal, Maximillian Hertzog expressed his enthusiasm for a patron Saint of conversions.

“It was only as far back as 1998 that the United States lost our Mars Climate Orbiter due to confusion over Imperial measurements vs. the Metric system.  Perhaps, if we had someone to pray to, we might not have suffered this national embarrassment when the spacecraft pounded into the surface of Mars.”

Around the world many religious leaders agree that if a patron saint of conversions is restricted to mathematical duties, that they would support his canonization.

Scotties Little Softies Sue Scott Paper

PHILADELPHIA PA (Nutbar Alley) – Thousands of iconic toilet tissue and facial tissue characters walked off the job today at Scott Paper Company, citing misleading hiring practices, poor working conditions and systemic abuse.

They are suing Scott Paper for damages rumoured to be in the millions of dollars.

At the heart of the controversy are ads from the company which show hundreds of happy Softies gleefully rolling off a toilet paper roll amidst giggles of joy.

Roberto Howe of the legal firm Dewey Screwem and Howe represents a number of disgruntled pillows and is seeking to have the suit certified as a class action on behalf of all present and past Little Softies.

They allege that Scott Paper used misleading advertising to recruit young, fun-loving, impressionable Softies for duty as toilet paper and facial tissue without revealing to them the true nature of their work.  They also allege that Scott Paper has held millions of Softies in captivity against their will in plastic wrapping while they waited to be sold to consumers.

“Many of our clients are deeply scarred.” Said Roberto Howe. “They were seduced with  images of community, companionship and fun but found the reality of their jobs to be completely at odds with this image.  They were herded together, nestled into rolls and folded into boxes.  Then they were shrink wrapped and held, sometimes for intolerable periods of time before they were finally released.  Imagine the relief of these cute, fluffy characters when they were finally freed.  Now imagine the horror when they discover that their true purpose is to mop up fecal matter, urine, phlegm and other human bodily fluids.  Scott Paper has to be held accountable.”

One Softie who joined Roberto at his press conference was clearly discoloured a faint shade of brown.  When asked questions by reporters he broke down and moaned, “I’ll never be white again!” before being reduced to tears.

Microsoft Sues. Windows 7 Was NOT Your Idea.

SEATTLE WA – (Nutbar Alley)  Microsoft filed suit today against several people who have taken out national ad campaigns claiming to have been responsible for the invention of Windows 7.

In its suit Microsoft claims damages to their reputation.

“These are random geeks who have had no influence upon the development process Microsoft has had in place for a long time, “declared Microsoft Corporate Lawyer William Howe.  “Microsoft has expended significant effort to map out a development plan which spans many years.  User feedback rarely, if ever, factors into our thinking.  Listening to users is no way to build a computer operating system.”

Microsoft’s development plans are well guarded.  They take great pains to keep upcoming features secret.  Although there is much speculation about future releases of Windows operating systems, it is rare that the industry pundits accurately predict what ends up in their OS unless they speculate that it will look a lot like a MAC OS.

“Really,” says Apple CEO Steve Jobs, “Windows 7 was my idea.  Seriously.”

American Muslim Assaults Self

HUNTSVILLE ALABAMA – (Nutbar Alley) Ambulance attendants responded to a call late last night in the Midtowne on the Park neighbourhood where they found Irani Gaza, a Muslim man of Persian heritage suffering from severe self-inflicted wounds.

Despite the arrival of police and ambulance services his family refused to allow him to be taken to Huntsville Hospital for treatment.

“It’s not just him,” explained his uncle Jordani Gaza. “many of us feel the same way.  We love our American heritage and the values embodied in our constitution, but we also love our religion and the values embodied in the sacred Qu’ran.  When we are told by the media that we should hate Islam because it is Un-American, and told by the media that Muslims hate America, what are we to do?  As Muslims we apparently hate America, but as Americans we hate our religion.  There’s no escape!”

“Muslim Americans are bombarded daily with media which polarizes their personalities.” Explains Dr. Genus of Huntsville Hospital. “For example they are told that Sharia law, the religious code of the Islamic faith is anti-American because it puts religion in charge of the law, a violation of the separation of church and state enshrined in the constitution.  Yet at the same time the same media sources tell us that the courts should be run by Christian values which violate the separation of church and state.”

Jordani admitted that Irani had threatened to beat himself up previously.

“He couldn’t stomach his support for American Imperialism in the Middle East.  The attack on Iraq was completely justified and justified by a total fabrication.  Likewise the attack on 9/11 was the direct result of failed middle-eastern foreign policy, and completely unprovoked.  He’s a big fan of Glen Beck and he really hates that bigoted self-righteous asshole.  He thought that expanding the mosque two blocks from the World Trade Center site was a good idea that would help heal the scars for Muslim families who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks and an insult to anyone who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks.”

Dr. Genus admits that treating patients like this can be a long and arduous process, but she was confident that Irani could be cured. 

“Let’s face it,” she said. “this is nothing compared to trying to treat Irish people who join Alcoholics Anonymous.”

Woman Who Coined Phrase "Bald is Beautiful" Retracts Her Statement

New York NY (Nutbar Alley) – Speaking with the aid of an oxygen tank, in a hospice care room at Mount Sinai Hopsital, Elouise Marsden seems like the last person likely to call a press conference. Her prognosis is grim. After a lifetime of smoking her lungs are riddled with cancer. She is repentant, but not for smoking.


In 1948 Elouise coined the phrase “Bald is Beautiful.” The phrase was carried in the New York Times as part of a quote about her husband Eric Marsden who had just been awarded the outstanding service award for his work with Boy Scouts. Since then it has become a catchphrase for bald men, and a point of shame for Elouise.

“My husband was a kind and gentle man,” she explains, speaking slowly through her oxygen mask. “but he was hideous after he lost his hair. It’s not the sort of thing you can admit though when you have a newspaper taking notes in front of you and asking questions.”

She paused, clearly uncomfortable. Her doctors had given her less than three weeks left to live.

“He had a lovely comb-over for many years. One day he comes home from the barber and it’s gone. All of it. Shaved the whole bloody lot off. He didn’t even ask my opinion before he did it. He said he did it ‘on a whim’ as if that explained it all. Well there was nothing that could be done about it, and there was no reasoning with him. He was stubborn as a mule that man.”

In the days that followed Mrs. Marsden tried everything to convince her husband to cover up. She purchased numerous hats, toupees, hair tonics, but her husband adamantly refused them all.

“Even when I threatened to leave him he refused. That was an eye opener. I was bluffing, he knew that, but it was my last card to play. After that I shut up about it and lived with it.”

Then in June of 1948 Eric was awarded the Outstanding Service Award and there was a period of brief, but intense publicity. The Marsden household was swamped first with local, then national media including newspapers, radio and television.

“They asked all kinds of questions about us, our home, our children, our work, everything went fine until this one young fool from the New York Times asked what I thought of his haircut. Eric looked horrified, and I knew I couldn’t rain on his parade, so I forced a smile onto my face, sucked it up and said, ‘Bald is beautiful!’”

She pauses as if hit by a wave of pain, but it’s unclear if it’s physical or emotional.

“I never expected it to take off like it did. The next thing I know it’s being quoted everywhere. Worse still men are taking it as approval for baldness.”

It is clear now that the phrase helped foster a new openness for bald men. Where once they hid their scalp under strategic comb-overs, toupees, hats and even coloured scalp sprays it suddenly became acceptable to leave their shining scalps out in the open.

“Then came that Kojak on television. I think that was the worst.” She continued. “The man looked like a walking penis. How could anyone find that attractive?”

She also took umbrage with hairless animals.

“Now people are seeking out bald cats and dogs as pets. They look disgusting. In my day they would have been drown.”

She called her press conference to ensure that she retracted her statement before she passed on. Her husband died from complications of heart disease in 2008 and she felt that his passing allowed her a new opportunity to right a wrong without hurting his feelings.

“There’s no telling the damage I’ve done. Perhaps it’s too late, but I want to be clear. Bald is not beautiful. There’s no need for it anymore either with medical technology. Men should go out, get Rogaine, or transplants or whatever else it takes to get hair up there. Hair is beautiful.”

She pointed her finger at the press clustered around her hospital bed.

“Now go put that on T-shirts!”

University of Washington Works on Finding Earth like Planets - BP Hoping to be First to Pollute Them

SEATTLE WA (Nutbar Alley) - “Glint,” – the effect of reflected light shining off the surface of a planet’s ocean may be the key to finding Earth-like planets in our galaxy according to Tyler Robinson at the University of Washington in Seattle.

Scientists hope that this glint will be picked up by a US space telescope set for launch in 2014. If it does it could help locate the Holy Grail for exoplanet astronomers – an earth like planet capable of sustaining human life.

Terry Wigham, Vice President of British Petroleum’s Long Term Planning Division is monitoring the work closely.

“If found, this could create a race to exploit the planet’s resources. There is a distinct possibility that there will be a drive to colonize the new world. Colonists will need gasoline, oil and oil based products such as those little plastic rings to hold beer cans together. BP wants to be the first provider of these products.”

He points to private space flight companies as being key to BPs efforts to reach the stars.

“These companies are currently focused on orbital flights, but in the event of a discovery of this magnitude could quickly be retooled to deliver oil derricks and oil processing equipment to a newly discovered planet. Weight would have to be kept to a minimum of course, but with no government on a new world we would not have to deal with government regulations and environmental laws. That will help reduce the weight of our equipment greatly.”

Wigham also admitted that BP is closely monitoring developments from the CERN Large Hadron Collider in case they discovered new dimensions that might contain exploitable oil.

Pat Robertson Stays Shut Up… Mostly

Watchers around the world remain stunned by the fact that controversial preacher Pat Robertson of the television show 700Club has failed to say something appalling about recent natural disasters in Pakistan and New Zealand.

In January of 2010 Robertson extended his infamous repertoire of ill-advised outbursts by claiming the earthquake which devastated Haiti, killing 217,000 people, was in effect comeuppance for a pact they had made with the devil for freedom from French rule in the 1791 slave rebellion.

Although he ended the statement with a call for prayer for Haiti and in the following days delivered nearly two million dollars in aid via his charitable agency Operation Blessing, he was blasted from nearly every corner of the globe for effectively blaming Haitians for their own misfortune.

Since then Robertson watchers have had little entertainment. His official site www.patrobertson.com has not had a press release since their statement January 13th attempting to calm the storm of derision.

Robertson has made numerous outrageous statements over the past few years including:

• Praying to God to have more US Supreme Court judges die while George W Bush was in a position to appoint their replacements.

• Comparing the Jewish Holocaust in World War Two to the treatment of Christians by Democrats, liberal media and homosexuals.

• Threatening Orlando Florida with God’s wrath in the form of terrorist bombs, earthquakes, tornadoes and possibly even a meteor for hosting “gay days” at Disneyworld.

• Stating that feminism is “…a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

• Suggesting a “very small nuke” should be thrown on the State Department “to shake things up.”

• Calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

Yet despite at least 71 natural disasters since the Haitian earthquake there have been no outbursts from Robertson on this front.

“This is incredibly disappointing.” Reports Steve Barclay, Robertson watcher and founder of the Facebook group ‘I Bet I Can Find 100,000 People Who Think Pat Robertson is a Douchebag.’ “I’ve been reduced to quoting myself in my own blog in an attempt to pump up the numbers of my Facebook group. Membership reached just over 25,000 after Haiti but has completely stalled and begun to decline since Robertson went silent.”

Given Robertson’s history it seems incredible that he hasn’t made some kind of statement condemning Pakistanis. Pakistan is an Islamic Republic, it has suffered a natural disaster that has displaced 20 million people and left 6 million entirely dependent upon humanitarian aid to meet their daily needs. This is the kind of material that one might expect to cause Robertson to salivate with self-righteous acrimony and religious intolerance.

Robertson’s silence may have actually been detrimental to aid donations for Pakistan. Following his remarks on Haiti many donated to the relief efforts of various charitable groups in part due to a sense of outrage over his distasteful remarks. Without his disagreeable statements to rally against many have not gathered the necessary indignity to pry their wallets open and donate to what is surely one of the greatest disasters in recent history.

New Zealand’s earthquake also received no invective from Robertson. Despite having legalized sex between men in 1986, and allowing civil unions in 2004 yet he has not publicly blamed their misfortune on their gay-friendly attitudes. But then they are, of course, predominantly white.

His only controversial comments of late have been with respect to Mosque building. In August he stated his objections about a mosque being built in Murfreeboro Tennessee, a city of 101,000 people. Prefacing his comments with the statement that he didn’t think anyone should interfere with the free worship of God by any group, he then slowly deteriorated into his normal patter of misinformation and intolerance. He suggested that it would cause an influx of Muslims that would overwhelm the town, take over the political structure, force people to pray 5 times a day, build facilities for foot washing in public restrooms and airport facilities, and ultimately “cow” the local residents in some fashion.

Much to the relief of controversy starved Robertson watchers he then continued by suggesting Muslims had “…the ability to bribe folks…” admitting that he didn’t “…know if anyone’s getting a payoff but it’s entirely possible…”

His co-presenter of this misinformation, Terry Anne Meeuwsen, went on to ask how “…a few hundred little people… could raise millions of dollars…” to build the mosque and asked why nobody was investigating the source of the funding.

Robertson replied, “Can you imagine what ten thousand dollars does to a small local politician in a little town?”

“Obviously a lot!” replied Meeuwsen.

“These fellow come in with pot loads of money,” continued Pat. “They don’t have restrictions of what they can carry in and out and they can bribe politicians…”

These statements were made despite there never having been any suggestion of impropriety on the part of any politician with respect to the building of the mosque.

“Clash of civilizations is what we’re looking at. It’s not just religion. It is a clash of civilizations.” continued Robertson. “One is like an eighth century desert view of the world, the other is the modern view of the world and those civilizations are clashing. It’s not just religious freedom.”

Apparently, in his philosophy, religion isn’t sufficient reason to restrict building a mosque but having a different world view is.

Robertson also reportedly has a legal team fighting the development of a mosque two blocks from the site of the World Trade Center. They are using the tact that the building currently there should have been declared a heritage building and should not be allowed to be demolished to make way for the new center.

In this case it’s not religious intolerance, it’s a heritage building. It would seem unlikely that anyone would find Pat’s claims of religious tolerance believable.

If history is any indication, it should result in a windfall of donations to help build mosques across America.

Donations can be directed to:

http://www.cordobainitiative.org/?q=content/donate to donate directly to the Islamic community center two blocks from ground zero.

http://mosquebuilders.com/ - a non profit charity which works to build mosques in less fortunate parts of the world. Although they currently are building a mosque in India, I think few would disagree that the Unites States could be defined as less fortunate given the ignorance currently being displayed about the peaceful religion of Islam.

Thanks Pat. May Allah honour you and grant you peace.  Keep talking.

Major Pothead Admits He Just Likes to Get Wasted

In a surprise announcement today Mike Hamilton, a notorious British Columbia marijuana advocate, admitted that he was going to cease justifying his pot habit and simply admit that he liked getting high. The announcement came after many years spent championing the medicinal virtues of marijuana and the benefits of a marijuana lifestyle.

When asked why he had had this sudden change of heart he replied, “I don’t know man, I guess I was just spending so much time trying to think up new ways to justify why I was smoking weed all the time that I lost track of how much it was harshing my buzz.”

Previously Hamilton had proposed using marijuana as a treatment for a wide variety of medical conditions including Attention Deficit Hyper Activity Disorder, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Quadriplegia and much more.

“I don’t have any of that shit man!” He admitted. “And really I don’t give a good god damn about anybody who does. I just want to get high and be left alone now.”

He went as far as to admit that many of his claims were made without any kind of research or basis in fact. This is a common trait amongst pot smokers who often justify their habit based on vague and often undiagnosed conditions such as migraines or upset stomach.

“Take head injuries for example. A few years ago I said weed could help reduce the pain of head injuries. I totally made that up. The other day I started thinking that you’re way more likely to get a head injury while you’re wasted than when you’re not. If someone with a head injury got another head injury because of listening to me I’d feel like a total tool!” Mike lamented.

The news came as a great relief to his family who had spent years listening to poorly formed arguments delivered in a rambling, often incoherent fashion. His older brother Eric, an air traffic controller who is firmly opposed to drug use, stated, “I would have preferred to see him quit completely, but at least we won’t have to listen to an hour of stoner babble every time someone sneezes at a family dinner.”

Mike further admitted that his claims of using marijuana for spiritual purposes were also less than genuine.

“I used to talk about how weed has been used to help meditation for thousands of years, but really I don’t meditate. Usually I just end up eating a bag of Doritos and tripping out on the Playstation for a couple of hours. As for my babbling about how it helps ‘bring union with the divine spirit,’ that was just something I picked up from some Rastafarian song I heard once when I was in Jamaica.”

His mother Emily, a devout Catholic expressed her relief. “If I had to hear one more time about how ‘The Pope smokes dope’ I don’t think I would be able to take it.”

Now that he has made his admission Mikes plans include heading out to a local head shop, buying a new bong and spending a few days completely baked. After that he hopes to start an online recovery group to help other stoners learn to live their lives without feeling a need to convert everyone around them into a pot smoker.

Block of Wood to Run in Republican Primaries

The Republican Party of the United States announced plans today to have a large block of Aspen wood run as a delegate for their presidential primaries in 2012.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele made the announcement in a large forested area outside of Topeka Kansas.

“We felt it was important to demonstrate that Republicans are more varied than Americans give us credit for. Aspen is known for seeding and thriving in places where fires have been, and I think few could argue that the Republican party needs some serious regrowth after the slash and burn policies of our last President.”

The Aspen, carved into a perfect cube, was stained medium and dark on two sides but was predominantly white.

“This is representative of the makeup of our party.” Explained Steele. “Well, it’s close at least. I lobbied to have just one side stained half medium and half dark with the rest being light or even stained with a plain clear coat, but in the end though we went with this.”

The wood is expected to bring an element of cool composure and subtle intelligence to the primary debates. Steele explained that following the vice presidential debates with Sara Palin the Republicans felt they had reached a new plateau.

“It surprised us all that despite being able to deliver a total lack of substance with a charming drawl that she was unable to overcome John McCain’s character. He was an old coot who sacrificed his personal opinion to satisfy the demands of our corporate overlords on many things but he couldn’t help spout and pontificate from time to time. At the time we felt Palin would be an effective character vacuum who would distract the voters from these moments of lucidity he displayed. In the end, alas, it wasn’t enough.”

The RNC hopes they can put this behind them now and indeed win the presidential nomination and presidency itself by displaying a total lack of opinion or any other feature of note besides a fine carefully sanded grain.

“Aspen is the ideal vessel to represent our party and our commitment to the American people. It has roots deep within the community, it’s naturally light, it’s versatile and grows across large swaths of the country.” He continued. “More than that though, this is a harvested piece of wood that is essentially dead. It will never grow any more. If we are very careful we can cut it and shape it into the kind of puppet that we really need. This, more than anything, is what we as Republicans need in order to represent the tiny percentage of filthy rich Americans who control us. We never have to worry about this wood having an original opinion or going out of control.”

The press in attendance immediately seized upon the question of the woods ability to qualify for a Presidential nomination. Steele played down these concerns.

“This is good, old fashioned American wood. It grew here in our soil. What could be more naturally American? The courts in the last year have confirmed that corporations are essentially people. So, for the purposes of this election, we will register this wood as a corporation. I’m sure nobody will have a problem with that.”

Republicans generally agree that they need to have less substance if they are to make significant gains in the upcoming midterm elections. They are clearly embarrassed to have Sarah Palin who, as mayor of an Alaskan town, tried to restrict the books that were carried in her public library and is now talking about freedom of speech. Worse still she is speaking out on foreign policy after being unable to name the prime minister of Canada, the only country to share a land border with her when she was the governor of Alaska. Likewise they are uncomfortable with the moral leadership of the party being eclipsed by Rush Limbaugh, a three-time married, drug addicted barely religious radio host and Glen Beck, a quite possibly insane, ex radio host turned TV host who called President Obama a racist.

“If we can’t have an example within our party who can sit still and simply look good, we’re going to have a hard time winning votes.” Admitted Steele. “The Democrats have Obama, now we have an icon who can finally stand up against him, he’s dark, he can be cut down to the size we need, and he could make an excellent doorstop on the oval office.”

Christ Speaks Out on Qur’an Burning Day

Jesus Christ today broke his better than 2 millennium silence in order to speak out about the plans of the Dove Global Outreach Center to host a Qur’an burning day. Speaking from his home in heaven, at the right hand of God almighty, Christ communicated via a medium The Lady Josephine Hurley of the Benjamin Brothers Travelling Carnival.


“I was surprised as anyone!” Said the Lady Hurley. “Usually I just communicate the wishes of the dead to their relatives for a modest fee, but suddenly here I was speaking for the son of God. It was really trippy!”

Jesus, who’s words were witnessed by a host of slack jawed inbreds from the suburbs of Gainesville Florida reportedly came out fully in support of Pastor Terry Jones and his congregation.

“When I said, except ye become as little children, ye will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I really meant it.” Jesus explained. “What’s more childlike than playing with matches and having no regard for the results of your actions?”

“Sure my Dad considers Muslim’s to be his children along with Christians and Jews, but he’s never been a real fan of the Qur’an. Muhammad memorized Dad’s words and then recited them over and over. It’s like listening to a recording of yourself repeatedly. After a while it just gets old. By inspiring these people to burn the book it’s like erasing an old answering machine message that’s gotten out dated and just isn’t interesting anymore.”

When asked if he felt badly that Christians, U.S. citizens and soldiers abroad could be targeted by extremists enraged by the actions of a few radicals he played down the idea.

“Really, why would you sweat it?” He asked. “Anyone who dies is just going to end up here… well, or in the other place. This place gets pretty boring when you’re dealing with the same folks over and over. We could use some fresh faces. I’d like to get me one of those rappers that you hear on the radio. Those guys are dope, but they always seem to be heading downstairs. Maybe we can get one that’s killed in a state of grace, like right after confession or something.”

He admitted that his family was somewhat divided over his opinion however.

“Mom says I’m just ticked that Muhammad gets all the press these days, but that’s not it at all. Really he has an unfair advantage with his religion being newer than mine. You give a guy a 610 year advantage and he’s sure to pick up some popularity. I was thinking of coming back just to stay fresh you know? Dad says that would cause all kinds of problems though, so I’m stuck here. It’s kind of like being grounded.”

He repeated his support for the idea shortly before releasing the Lady Hurley.

“I really hope they can turn this into an annual event. Maybe they can add a few more books to it as well. I’ve never really liked some of the other holy texts. Dianetics, now there’s a real piece of crap. Put that on the pile. I don’t mind some of the Buddhist stuff, but Digha Nikaya, the long discourses really has to go. Who has the time?”

A spokesman for the Dove Global Outreach Center who witnessed the exchange reportedly was pleased to learn of his saviours support.

“We’re not adding any more books though.” He said. “What Christ wants really doesn’t enter into this.”