American Muslim Assaults Self

HUNTSVILLE ALABAMA – (Nutbar Alley) Ambulance attendants responded to a call late last night in the Midtowne on the Park neighbourhood where they found Irani Gaza, a Muslim man of Persian heritage suffering from severe self-inflicted wounds.

Despite the arrival of police and ambulance services his family refused to allow him to be taken to Huntsville Hospital for treatment.

“It’s not just him,” explained his uncle Jordani Gaza. “many of us feel the same way.  We love our American heritage and the values embodied in our constitution, but we also love our religion and the values embodied in the sacred Qu’ran.  When we are told by the media that we should hate Islam because it is Un-American, and told by the media that Muslims hate America, what are we to do?  As Muslims we apparently hate America, but as Americans we hate our religion.  There’s no escape!”

“Muslim Americans are bombarded daily with media which polarizes their personalities.” Explains Dr. Genus of Huntsville Hospital. “For example they are told that Sharia law, the religious code of the Islamic faith is anti-American because it puts religion in charge of the law, a violation of the separation of church and state enshrined in the constitution.  Yet at the same time the same media sources tell us that the courts should be run by Christian values which violate the separation of church and state.”

Jordani admitted that Irani had threatened to beat himself up previously.

“He couldn’t stomach his support for American Imperialism in the Middle East.  The attack on Iraq was completely justified and justified by a total fabrication.  Likewise the attack on 9/11 was the direct result of failed middle-eastern foreign policy, and completely unprovoked.  He’s a big fan of Glen Beck and he really hates that bigoted self-righteous asshole.  He thought that expanding the mosque two blocks from the World Trade Center site was a good idea that would help heal the scars for Muslim families who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks and an insult to anyone who lost loved ones in the 9/11 attacks.”

Dr. Genus admits that treating patients like this can be a long and arduous process, but she was confident that Irani could be cured. 

“Let’s face it,” she said. “this is nothing compared to trying to treat Irish people who join Alcoholics Anonymous.”