When asked why he had had this sudden change of heart he replied, “I don’t know man, I guess I was just spending so much time trying to think up new ways to justify why I was smoking weed all the time that I lost track of how much it was harshing my buzz.”
Previously Hamilton had proposed using marijuana as a treatment for a wide variety of medical conditions including Attention Deficit Hyper Activity Disorder, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Quadriplegia and much more.
“I don’t have any of that shit man!” He admitted. “And really I don’t give a good god damn about anybody who does. I just want to get high and be left alone now.”
He went as far as to admit that many of his claims were made without any kind of research or basis in fact. This is a common trait amongst pot smokers who often justify their habit based on vague and often undiagnosed conditions such as migraines or upset stomach.
“Take head injuries for example. A few years ago I said weed could help reduce the pain of head injuries. I totally made that up. The other day I started thinking that you’re way more likely to get a head injury while you’re wasted than when you’re not. If someone with a head injury got another head injury because of listening to me I’d feel like a total tool!” Mike lamented.
The news came as a great relief to his family who had spent years listening to poorly formed arguments delivered in a rambling, often incoherent fashion. His older brother Eric, an air traffic controller who is firmly opposed to drug use, stated, “I would have preferred to see him quit completely, but at least we won’t have to listen to an hour of stoner babble every time someone sneezes at a family dinner.”
Mike further admitted that his claims of using marijuana for spiritual purposes were also less than genuine.
“I used to talk about how weed has been used to help meditation for thousands of years, but really I don’t meditate. Usually I just end up eating a bag of Doritos and tripping out on the Playstation for a couple of hours. As for my babbling about how it helps ‘bring union with the divine spirit,’ that was just something I picked up from some Rastafarian song I heard once when I was in Jamaica.”
His mother Emily, a devout Catholic expressed her relief. “If I had to hear one more time about how ‘The Pope smokes dope’ I don’t think I would be able to take it.”
Now that he has made his admission Mikes plans include heading out to a local head shop, buying a new bong and spending a few days completely baked. After that he hopes to start an online recovery group to help other stoners learn to live their lives without feeling a need to convert everyone around them into a pot smoker.
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