PHILADELPHIA PA (Nutbar Alley) – Thousands of iconic toilet tissue and facial tissue characters walked off the job today at Scott Paper Company, citing misleading hiring practices, poor working conditions and systemic abuse.
They are suing Scott Paper for damages rumoured to be in the millions of dollars.
At the heart of the controversy are ads from the company which show hundreds of happy Softies gleefully rolling off a toilet paper roll amidst giggles of joy.
Roberto Howe of the legal firm Dewey Screwem and Howe represents a number of disgruntled pillows and is seeking to have the suit certified as a class action on behalf of all present and past Little Softies.
They allege that Scott Paper used misleading advertising to recruit young, fun-loving, impressionable Softies for duty as toilet paper and facial tissue without revealing to them the true nature of their work. They also allege that Scott Paper has held millions of Softies in captivity against their will in plastic wrapping while they waited to be sold to consumers.
“Many of our clients are deeply scarred.” Said Roberto Howe. “They were seduced with images of community, companionship and fun but found the reality of their jobs to be completely at odds with this image. They were herded together, nestled into rolls and folded into boxes. Then they were shrink wrapped and held, sometimes for intolerable periods of time before they were finally released. Imagine the relief of these cute, fluffy characters when they were finally freed. Now imagine the horror when they discover that their true purpose is to mop up fecal matter, urine, phlegm and other human bodily fluids. Scott Paper has to be held accountable.”
One Softie who joined Roberto at his press conference was clearly discoloured a faint shade of brown. When asked questions by reporters he broke down and moaned, “I’ll never be white again!” before being reduced to tears.
"Dewey, Screwem and Howe"?? What Happened to Cheatum?
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