Pope Beatifies British Cardinal Who Converted

GREAT BRITAIN (Nutbar Alley) – Pope Benedict XVI held the first ever beatification ceremony to be held on British soil today, celebrating John Henry Newman, a 19^th century cardinal who converted from Anglicanism to Catholicism.

Beatification is recognition of a dead person’s ascension to Heaven, and allows that person to intercede on behalf of individuals who pray in his name.  It is the third of four steps in the canonization process, the path to sainthood.

In order to complete this process, Newman must also be found to have performed two miracles.  He is already credited with one, an inexplicable healing of Jack Sullivan, an American who was healed of a severe spinal condition through Newman’s prayers.

If awarded a sainthood, Newman would become the patron saint of conversions.  This has caused some outrage in religious circles but is a move welcomed by many people including researchers and tourists who have to deal with currency or the United States.

“Currency conversion is an ongoing problem,” Explains Ibrahim Musgrove of Barclay’s Bank in London. “Every day there are thousands of currency conversion transactions for businesses and tourists throughout the world.  In all likelihood if Newman is sainted, it will result in a mass hiring of Catholics who can pray we got the numbers right.”

The move was also welcomed by Catholics in the United States, one of the few countries in the world which has refused to abandon the old British Imperial Unit system in favour of the Metric system. 

Contacted at his Archdiocese in Washington DC Cardinal, Maximillian Hertzog expressed his enthusiasm for a patron Saint of conversions.

“It was only as far back as 1998 that the United States lost our Mars Climate Orbiter due to confusion over Imperial measurements vs. the Metric system.  Perhaps, if we had someone to pray to, we might not have suffered this national embarrassment when the spacecraft pounded into the surface of Mars.”

Around the world many religious leaders agree that if a patron saint of conversions is restricted to mathematical duties, that they would support his canonization.