Block of Wood to Run in Republican Primaries

The Republican Party of the United States announced plans today to have a large block of Aspen wood run as a delegate for their presidential primaries in 2012.

RNC Chairman Michael Steele made the announcement in a large forested area outside of Topeka Kansas.

“We felt it was important to demonstrate that Republicans are more varied than Americans give us credit for. Aspen is known for seeding and thriving in places where fires have been, and I think few could argue that the Republican party needs some serious regrowth after the slash and burn policies of our last President.”

The Aspen, carved into a perfect cube, was stained medium and dark on two sides but was predominantly white.

“This is representative of the makeup of our party.” Explained Steele. “Well, it’s close at least. I lobbied to have just one side stained half medium and half dark with the rest being light or even stained with a plain clear coat, but in the end though we went with this.”

The wood is expected to bring an element of cool composure and subtle intelligence to the primary debates. Steele explained that following the vice presidential debates with Sara Palin the Republicans felt they had reached a new plateau.

“It surprised us all that despite being able to deliver a total lack of substance with a charming drawl that she was unable to overcome John McCain’s character. He was an old coot who sacrificed his personal opinion to satisfy the demands of our corporate overlords on many things but he couldn’t help spout and pontificate from time to time. At the time we felt Palin would be an effective character vacuum who would distract the voters from these moments of lucidity he displayed. In the end, alas, it wasn’t enough.”

The RNC hopes they can put this behind them now and indeed win the presidential nomination and presidency itself by displaying a total lack of opinion or any other feature of note besides a fine carefully sanded grain.

“Aspen is the ideal vessel to represent our party and our commitment to the American people. It has roots deep within the community, it’s naturally light, it’s versatile and grows across large swaths of the country.” He continued. “More than that though, this is a harvested piece of wood that is essentially dead. It will never grow any more. If we are very careful we can cut it and shape it into the kind of puppet that we really need. This, more than anything, is what we as Republicans need in order to represent the tiny percentage of filthy rich Americans who control us. We never have to worry about this wood having an original opinion or going out of control.”

The press in attendance immediately seized upon the question of the woods ability to qualify for a Presidential nomination. Steele played down these concerns.

“This is good, old fashioned American wood. It grew here in our soil. What could be more naturally American? The courts in the last year have confirmed that corporations are essentially people. So, for the purposes of this election, we will register this wood as a corporation. I’m sure nobody will have a problem with that.”

Republicans generally agree that they need to have less substance if they are to make significant gains in the upcoming midterm elections. They are clearly embarrassed to have Sarah Palin who, as mayor of an Alaskan town, tried to restrict the books that were carried in her public library and is now talking about freedom of speech. Worse still she is speaking out on foreign policy after being unable to name the prime minister of Canada, the only country to share a land border with her when she was the governor of Alaska. Likewise they are uncomfortable with the moral leadership of the party being eclipsed by Rush Limbaugh, a three-time married, drug addicted barely religious radio host and Glen Beck, a quite possibly insane, ex radio host turned TV host who called President Obama a racist.

“If we can’t have an example within our party who can sit still and simply look good, we’re going to have a hard time winning votes.” Admitted Steele. “The Democrats have Obama, now we have an icon who can finally stand up against him, he’s dark, he can be cut down to the size we need, and he could make an excellent doorstop on the oval office.”